You may have a memory of being separated from a parent when you were a child, even just for a few minutes. Maybe you lost them in a crowd or wandered a little too far at the store and felt panicked and afraid.
A moment like this might be among your earliest memories because the feeling was so intense, says Caitlyn Downie, LCSW, the Director of Trauma and Resilience at the Child Mind Institute. That offers some insight into the fear of a child of any age who is separated from a parent or caregiver in a more serious way. The effects of this stress are so powerful they can actually change the way a child develops.
A toddler whose mother goes to prison. A kindergartener whose father is detained and deported. A teen who is placed in foster care. These are a few examples of what experts call traumatic separation, a clinical concept based on the importance of the parent-child bond and the profound effects that can result from breaking it.
What is traumatic separation?
Traumatic separation isn’t a clinical diagnosis, but research shows that it can be profoundly harmful to kids. What makes it traumatic (as opposed to routine partings, like when an adult regularly leaves their child to go to work) is the character of the separation: ones that are sudden, unexpected, or confusing, or those that come about through larger distressing events, like a natural disaster or war. It’s not defined by the time spent apart — both short and long-term separations can be harmful.
Some common examples of separation that can become traumatic include:
- Parental deportation
- Immigration (e.g., forced separation at the border)
- Parental military deployment
- Parental incarceration
- Termination of parental rights
Separating from a parent or primary caregiver can be distressing to a child even when it’s deemed necessary for their safety, as in cases where the parent they have been separated from has abused them, says Kimberly Alexander, PsyD, a psychologist at the Child Mind Institute. “There’s still a natural attachment that occurs. And the separation disrupts that relationship, even if it’s for the support and care of the child.”
Why is traumatic separation harmful?
More than eight decades of research has shown the profound developmental importance of the parent-child bond. This is the guiding principle of attachment theory, which was pioneered by a British psychologist who studied children who were evacuated during the Blitz, the aerial bombardment of London in World War II.
Here’s what the research tells us about the harms of traumatic separation:
It can disrupt secure attachment
Think of secure attachment as a “fundamental sense of security and safety” that a child feels with a parent or caregiver, says Dylan Gee, PhD, a psychologist at Yale University who studies how early-life stress affects children’s development.
“Attachment is the lens through which children come to know what they can expect from the world around them,” she explains. “Is this going to be a safe place or a dangerous place? This is foundational to a child’s sense of their ability to navigate the world. Traumatic separation can shatter that sense of safety.”
It can affect neurobiological development
Children’s brains are especially plastic, says Dr. Gee, constantly learning to understand their environment and how to deal with stress. “Trauma that occurs in childhood can be even more consequential than trauma that occurs later in life,” she says, and experiencing these disruptions in childhood can affect the way your brain and body are primed to react to stress later on.
But heightened plasticity is a paradox, she adds. “It confers more vulnerability, but it also confers more potential for resilience — children have heightened potential for supportive intervention and for healing and recovery.”
What do the effects of traumatic separation look like?
There are acute and short-term effects that are common across kids of all ages:
Sleep problems: “It’s often one of the first things that we see: nightmares, trouble falling asleep, or a lot of crying as kids are trying to fall asleep,” Dr. Gee says.
Separation anxiety: This might look like distraction, withdrawal, or clinginess because of fear of being separated from their new caregivers, Dr. Alexander says.
But signs may take weeks or months to show up. Dr. Alexander advises caregivers to consider the child’s baseline — their typical patterns of eating, sleeping, or engaging with others. “If they’re having more trouble with sleep, they’re eating more, eating less, they’re withdrawing or expressing a lot of worried thoughts three or four months later — that’s something worth getting looked at by a clinician,” she says.
Signs of traumatic separation at different ages
“Sometimes people ask, ‘Well, when is separation the most harmful?’ It can be extremely harmful at any age,” Dr. Gee emphasizes. But there are specific signs at different developmental stages:
Infants
Babies may not be as consciously aware of being separated from a parent as older children, “but they’re fundamentally aware that their primary source of regulation and safety is missing,” Dr. Gee says. Because infants are so reliant on caregivers for nurturing and sustenance, the separation “can be experienced as a threat to their survival.” That might look like “crying a lot or becoming withdrawn,” she says. “And at any age we can see intense fear.”
Toddlers and young children (3–6)
Toddlers and young children might become extra clingy with new caregivers or show regressive behaviors like bedwetting or baby talk. Regressive behaviors happen when kids are overwhelmed by stress and can’t express themselves another way, Downie says. “It’s like your nervous system goes kind of haywire,” she explains, “so it uses the body to signal that something is wrong.”
Similarly, kids at this age might act out more, throwing more tantrums, or withdraw. They might develop selective mutism, a condition where kids are too anxious or distressed to speak, even when they want to, in certain situations or with certain people.
School-age children
School-age children might act out or experience separation anxiety. They may also struggle to understand the meaning of the separation, why it happened, or who is at fault for it. Thus, kids at this age are more prone to magical or distorted thinking and feelings of guilt, thinking or saying things like, “I’m the one that caused this” or “This is my fault.”
The weight of these distorted thoughts or other worries, Dr. Alexander says, might make it appear as though a child is struggling to concentrate or that they’re disengaged or distracted. They might withdraw in a group or be averse to stepping outside of their comfort zone.
Children who are school age or older can also experience emotional desensitization — a kind of emptiness of feeling — Downie says, which can look like spikes in irritability, a lack of empathy, not smiling or expressing positive emotions, or an inability to relate to others.
Preteens and teenagers
“I’ve seen teenagers have a lot of mistrust with systems and be very oppositional,” says Downie. “Like, ‘I don’t trust you. I don’t trust my teacher. I don’t trust this child services worker.’” It might make sense that, say, a teen in foster care would be wary of the foster care system. But Downie says it’s often a larger instinct for anger and mistrust, one that extends beyond any specific entity or person.
The teenage years are also when kids are forming their identity, and traumatic separation can fundamentally alter that process. For example, a teen with younger siblings may step into a parent role, taking on new worries and responsibilities. Conversely, teens may become more reckless in a caregiver’s absence, putting them at risk for substance abuse or incarceration.
How to help kids separated from a parent
Adults caring for a child who has been separated from a parent — family members, foster parents, teachers — “can play a profound role in supporting their mental health and resilience,” says Dr. Gee.
Validate feelings
One of the most important things caregivers can do is be present as a child reacts to their experiences, especially if and when scary feelings come up. But be careful not to lead kids or assume they feel a certain way. “You don’t want to make something more distressing to a child if it’s not presenting itself,” says Downie.
If a child expresses guilt, or says something like, “This is my fault,” there are still ways to validate the feeling without endorsing the statement, says Dr. Alexander. You might say something like: “I can understand why that thought comes to mind and how difficult it is to feel that way. When you’re ready, let’s think about other possibilities to this situation.”
Create consistency and stability
One of the hardest things about traumatic separation is the uncertainty — Where did they go? When will they come back? What is happening? Giving kids some sense of consistency and stability can help them feel safe despite the unknowns. So as much as possible, help them stick to any routines: going to school, seeing friends, doing activities they enjoy.
Dr. Alexander advises focusing on things you can control — for example, shielding kids from potentially worrying discussions in a family where a parent has been deported.
“There would likely be a lot of conversations in the home about the situation, maybe a lot of watching the news, maybe making a lot of phone calls to attorneys,” she explains. “So where are you having those conversations, and can you have them in an area or at a time of day where your kid isn’t overhearing the discussions out of context?”
For young kids, it might be as simple as asking them to play in their room. For teens, it might be better to have certain conversations when they are out of the house and invite them to participate directly in others.
Be honest but reassuring
Caregivers might not have all the answers — like knowing when a child’s parent is coming back — but they can create a sense of consistency and stability in how they respond to kids’ questions, too.
Avoid undue reassurance (“Everything is going to be fine”) or over-promising (“They’ll be back in two weeks”) by focusing on what kids can expect, says Dr. Gee. For example: “What I can tell you is that I’m here for you, and I’m going to be with you until he’s back,” or “You’re safe with me, and I’m going to stay with you through this really hard time.”
Model handling stress
Children are sensitive to tone, Dr. Alexander says. “So, if you’re having really big emotions that are out of context for a child, the child is looking at these emotions and trying to understand what’s happening. ‘Am I in danger in this specific moment?’”
She says it helps to have conversations about these moments, especially with younger kids. “Like, ‘I know you noticed mommy crying. We’re feeling really big feelings, and this is how we’re going to deal with those big feelings. I’m going to take a break. I’m going to get a sip of water. Whenever you’re having big feelings, I want you to let me know so that I can help you try doing the same things,’” Dr. Alexander says, explaining the importance of naming the emotion and then teaching kids that there are ways of dealing with it.
Long-term risks of traumatic separation
The effects of traumatic separation can persist even after a child and their caregiver are reunited. Traumatic separation, like other adverse childhood experiences, puts kids at risk for a host of long-term medical and mental health conditions, including depression, anxiety, attention issues, and post-traumatic stress disorder (PTSD).
But Downie notes that not everyone who experiences traumatic separation develops PTSD. “Just because someone’s experiencing trauma now doesn’t mean that it’s going to become a PTSD diagnosis,” she says. “A lot of the behaviors that we’re talking about are normal and expected. There’s an adjustment period when a separation happens.” But if symptoms persist or escalate over several months, a child may need more serious support.
Treatment for a trauma diagnosis
While not every child who experiences a separation may receive a trauma diagnosis or require treatment, cognitive behavioral therapy (CBT) — and the more specific trauma-focused cognitive behavioral therapy (TF-CBT) — is the “gold standard,” says Downie. TF-CBT is specifically for children experiencing trauma-related symptoms. An important component of TF-CBT is creating a trauma narrative, where kids create a story about what happened to help them process it. “But if you have a child who is not ready to process and integrate that trauma, you can’t force the pacing of the treatment,” she says.
In short, a good clinician will follow a child’s lead — even if that means just sitting in the same room with them to build trust. “People really need to feel like they’re being heard and that they can trust someone,” Downie says. Which is why a supportive caregiver or trusted adult can make a big difference.
“If people can take anything away from this, it’s that you want to make kids understand that that they’re not responsible for what’s happened and that people do care about them,” Downie says. “Kids are really resilient, and they can adapt in a good-enough environment. They don’t have to have everything to be successful.”
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